Hey fellow ladies! My name is Joey Kaufmann and I am so excited to be sharing on Real Women Talk 2! A little about myself; I’m 37, been married for almost 16 years to my amazing husband, and I have a son who’s 11. I was a hairstylist for 15 years and now I’ve retired to be a stay at home mom! I’m so excited about this new journey and to see what comes out of it!
I’ve struggled with my girly bits since I was 15, which led me to have problems with fertility and miscarriage into adulthood. I have gone through multiple miscarriages, had an ectopic pregnancy, a blighted ovum, and failed fertility treatments. Through all of that, I was able to carry and deliver one baby! My beautiful son! That being said, he was not easy to get, and I did go through a lot to have a successful pregnancy.
Dealing with fertility issues and miscarriages, opened a whole world up to me that I didn’t know existed. These two topics have become so taboo and it seems that they are never talked about. I want to break that giant door down and start a discussion because I think it’s SO important! So today to get that ball rolling, I’m going to talk about 5 Truths Of Miscarriage. These are things I have personally experienced, and have talked with other women who have also gone through them. So let’s get to it!
1. A LOT of people go through it!
When you are in the middle of experiencing a miscarriage, you feel like you are the only one who’s ever been through it. For whatever reason, the topics of miscarriage and infertility have been turned into these taboo topics that everyone seems to be uncomfortable talking about. People on the outside are uncomfortable because they don’t know what to say, they don’t want to say the wrong thing, or they flat out have no clue what to say so they usually end up putting their foot in their mouth. With all of these possible unpleasant outcomes for people on the outside looking in, that in turn makes those of us actually dealing with the issues even more uncomfortable.
We also feel uncomfortable because we are terrified of being judged. We feel broken and like we aren’t a “real” woman, which causes us to become embarrassed by our circumstances. That stems from feeling like we are the only one who’s ever gone through this, we’re the only one whose body doesn’t work right, and that nobody could possibly understand how we feel. The truth is, the majority of women have experienced at least one miscarriage in their life while trying to have a baby. In fact, 10%-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s a lot of women!
I think it’s so important for people to share their experiences with others so that women know that there is a whole population of us that have lived exactly what you might be living! It’s a sad, hard, uncomfortable thing to go through, especially alone. No one needs to do that when there’s so much potential support out there!
- It’s not the mother’s fault if she has a miscarriage.
I can tell you from experience that when a woman goes through a miscarriage, she completely blames herself. So we don’t need anybody else throwing guilt our way! It’s insane the number of opinions that are offered about you and your body when people find out you’ve had a miscarriage.
-”Are you eating healthy enough?”
-”Do you exercise enough?”
-”Are you taking care of yourself correctly?”
-”Are you going through anything stressful?”
People think that we need or want, them to fix us. For them to figure out our problems and why we had the miscarriage. Truth is, there are a million reasons why a miscarriage may have happened. None of which the mother has any control over!
Trust me when I say, we go through every possible reason, then go over it again, and try internally to figure out how we could have been “better” or maybe averted having the miscarriage in the first place. We criticize everything we did during our pregnancy and try to find the bits we think maybe we could have done better.
Even if we know there is nothing we could have done, we are still going to do this and go through this process of elimination, and torture ourselves the whole time. What we need during this time isn’t helpful to figure out the mysteries of our bodies or trying to place blame on something. We’ve already gone over everything in our head a million times, so talking about it more isn’t always something we want to do. What we do need is support, love, and understanding. And maybe some vodka because this shit is hard to get through.
- Having a miscarriage early on is easier to deal with.
This simply isn’t true. Miscarriage is a loss, and a loss in any way, at any time, is hard for people to go through. We are not the judge of what is hard for people and what’s not. Everyone is different. For me, I always miscarried at the beginning of my second trimester, and I had multiple miscarriages. Each one was hard. Was it early on in my pregnancy, yeah. But that shit is still hard.
I’ve spoken with a lot of women who have experienced miscarriage, and it seems like the majority of them were told these types of things;
-”Just get over it.”
-”At least it was early on.”
-”Since it was so early it wasn’t a real baby yet.”
-”You need to suck it up, you weren’t even that pregnant.”
I’m sorry, but who the hell do you think you are telling someone who’s just experienced a loss any of these things? The only shoes we know anything about walking in, are our own. We can’t tell other people how they should be feeling about something. Could you imagine telling someone who lost a grandparent, “Well they were old, so you should just get over it.” No! You would never say that! Same should be for someone who’s gone through a miscarriage. Just be there for them, and let them feel and deal however they need.
- We feel broken and betrayed by our bodies.
Women were made to get pregnant and carry babies. We were the vessel designed by God to cook these little nuggets and procreate the earth. So when one of our ovens doesn’t work right, we feel broken. We experience a complete WTF moment and are bombarded by so many questions.
-”What could be the problem?”
-”How can I fix this?”
-”Why don’t I work right?”
None of it makes sense.
I know for me personally, I wanted to be a mother from the time I was a little girl. So when it came time for me to finally start to have kids, and I couldn’t, I had a really hard time with it. I was pissed actually. I cursed God and shouted “Why me?? What was the plan here big guy?” Because I was sure I was meant to have a whole herd of kids, but that’s not what was in the cards for me.
It’s like buying a car with no engine, and being left feeling like “what the fuck am I supposed to do with a car that doesn’t work?” You don’t want the car and you certainly don’t trust the dealer it came from. I wanted a friggin’ return policy on my uterus from God. I needed a model that worked right! While we navigate our way through understanding what our mind and bodies are going through, it can be a very difficult time. We might be moody, irritable, sad, pissed, or empty. All of these emotions are 100% normal and expected. Which brings me to my next truth.
- We have feelings that aren’t always pretty or explainable.
I attribute miscarriage to a rollercoaster. It goes up, down, in loops and upside down. We feel the highs and the lows, and sometimes we want to vomit. Living through all of these turns that have come up unexpectedly can cause us to feel things and act in ways we can’t explain. Miscarriage pulls feelings out of you that you have no idea where they came from, or why you might be feeling them. I want anyone to know who might be going through a miscarriage or who has in the past, you are allowed to feel any type of way you need to feel from this. And you can feel it unapologetically.
What I mean is, you might be pissed at your sister or BFF because she got pregnant before you. That’s okay.
You might want to rip someone’s throat out who is offering you advice and trying to make you “feel better”. That’s okay. Well, it’s not okay to rip out their throat, but be pissed if you need to.
You might cry unexplainably at the simplest things. That’s okay.
You may not want to go to baby showers, or kid’s birthday parties, or gender reveals. That’s okay.
There is no wrong way to deal and go through and process a miscarriage. We are all different, and we will all experience the loss differently. I don’t want you to feel guilty, or bad or like you’re acting some type of way and you should “just get over it”. Feel what you need to feel, and think what you need to think. Just don’t unpack and live there. Deal?
I hope these 5 truths were helpful. Either to you, if you are going through or have gone through a miscarriage. Or if you needed to show these truths to someone in your life that maybe doesn’t understand what you’re going through or how you might need them to help you deal with it.
The main thing here is that I want you to know that you are not alone! There are so many of us that understand and can completely empathize with you and what you’re going through! If you want to read more, stay tuned for my book coming out soon where I dive deeper into what it’s like to live through fertility issues and miscarriage.
If you feel like you need to talk you can always reach out to me on my Instagram www.instagram.com/life.got.me.like
Stay strong sister-friends! Much love!
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